Teenage years can be a bit of a rollercoaster. There are friendships, school pressures, changing expectations, exams, social media and all the other things that come with growing up. Sometimes it can feel like there is an awful lot going on, and not always an awful lot of space to talk about it.
As parents, teachers and caregivers, we want our teenagers to know that they can come to us when something is bothering them. But getting a teenager to actually talk about what is going on can be a little more complicated than simply asking, "Are you okay?"
Some teenagers will happily tell you about their day, while others will retreat to their rooms, give a one-word answer or insist that everything is fine. For teenagers with autism, those conversations can be particularly difficult when they are dealing with sensory overload, changes in routine or difficulty identifying and explaining their emotions. Teenagers with ADHD may find it hard to organise their thoughts, remember what they wanted to say or manage big feelings in the moment. And for a young person who is experiencing bullying, opening up can feel frightening, especially if they are worried about what might happen if they tell someone.
The important thing to remember is that not talking does not always mean they do not want help. Sometimes they just need a different way to communicate.
Start by taking the pressure off
One of the biggest things parents find, is that the best conversations do not always happen when you plan them. Sometimes they happen in the car, while making dinner or when you are both doing something else. There is something about sitting side by side rather than face to face that can make things feel a little less intense.
If your teenager finds it difficult to talk, try not to make it into a big event. Asking, "What's wrong?" over and over again can feel like pressure, even when it comes from a good place. Instead, let them know that you have noticed they might be having a difficult time and that you are there if they want to talk.
It can also help to offer a choice. Perhaps they would rather send you a message, write something down or talk while going for a walk. There is no rule that says an important conversation has to happen sitting across a table.
For some teenagers, particularly those who are autistic or have ADHD, being given a little extra time to process a question can make all the difference. Try asking one thing at a time and give them a chance to think before you jump in with another question.
Emotions & Expressions FanCommunication aids can make feelings easier to express
Sometimes, a teenager knows that something is wrong but cannot quite find the words for it. They might feel anxious, overwhelmed, frustrated or upset, but explaining exactly why can be difficult. This is where communication aids can be incredibly helpful.
Communication fans, for example, can give a teenager a selection of feelings or needs to choose from. Instead of having to come up with the right word, they can point to something that feels familiar. A simple "worried", "overwhelmed" or "I need a break" can be enough to get a conversation started.
These tools are not just for young children. Teenagers can benefit from visual communication aids too, particularly when they are feeling stressed or struggling to put their thoughts into words. They can be used at home, in school or during a one-to-one conversation with a trusted adult.
Conversation feelings cubes are another lovely way to encourage communication without making it feel like an interrogation. Each side can have a feeling, question or conversation prompt, giving the teenager something to respond to. You might roll one together and take turns answering, or simply let them choose a prompt that feels comfortable.
The idea is not to make them answer every question. It is to offer a gentle starting point and let the conversation develop naturally.
A feelings fan can also be useful. Some teenagers find it easier to say that their anxiety is an eight out of ten than to explain everything that has led up to it. Others may prefer a colour-coded system or a simple choice of low, medium or high. Whatever works for them is fine.
Be Kind CubesHelping autistic teenagers talk about anxiety
Teenagers who have autism may experience anxiety in ways that are not always obvious to the adults around them. A busy classroom, an unexpected change, a noisy school event or the effort of navigating social situations can all contribute to feeling overwhelmed.
Sometimes that anxiety comes out as a shutdown, a meltdown, withdrawal or a change in behaviour. It is worth remembering that these responses are not simply a teenager being difficult. They may be communicating that things have become too much.
When talking with an autistic teenager, it helps to be clear and specific. Rather than asking a broad question such as, "Why are you upset?", you might ask whether something at school felt too noisy, whether the timetable changed or whether they are worried about a particular event.
Visual schedules, written questions and communication fans can be useful here, particularly when a teenager needs more time to process what they are feeling. A quiet space, access to sensory supports and the opportunity to take a break can also make it easier for them to communicate.
It is important not to assume that every teenager with autism will want to use the same tools. Some may prefer a visual aid, while others may find writing or texting much easier. The best approach is to ask what works for them and respect their preferred way of communicating.
Supporting teenagers with ADHD
Teenagers with ADHD can experience emotions very intensely, and it can sometimes be difficult for them to explain what is happening before the feeling has become overwhelming. They may also find it hard to stay focused during a long conversation or remember what they wanted to say.
For parents and caregivers, it can help to keep things simple. A short question, a little movement and a chance to come back to the conversation later may work much better than a lengthy discussion.
Some teenagers with ADHD find that fidgeting or moving while they talk helps them concentrate. There is nothing wrong with letting them use a fidget toy, doodle or walk around while they explain what is going on. Communication is the important part, not whether they are sitting perfectly still.
If your teenager struggles with open-ended questions, try offering a few choices. Asking, "Is it school, friends, home or something else?" can be easier than asking them to explain everything at once. A feelings fan or a conversation cube can provide that same kind of structure.
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When bullying is part of the worry
Bullying can be incredibly difficult for a teenager to talk about. They may feel embarrassed, frightened or worried that things will get worse if they tell someone. Some teenagers might also believe that they should be able to handle it themselves.
If you suspect that your teenager is being bullied, try to make it clear that they are not in trouble. Let them know that what is happening is not their fault and that you want to help them feel safe.
It is important to listen to what they want to happen next, while also explaining that you may need to involve other adults to keep them safe. If the bullying is happening at school, speak with the appropriate staff and work together on a plan. This might include identifying a trusted adult, making sure the teenager knows where they can go if they feel unsafe and agreeing how incidents will be recorded and followed up.
Tips for parents and caregivers
As parents and caregivers, we cannot always make our teenagers tell us what is wrong. What we can do is make sure they know that we are available, that their feelings matter and that they do not have to find the perfect words before asking for help.
Regular little check-ins can be more useful than waiting for a crisis. You might ask how their day has been while you are driving, or whether there is anything they would like help with before bed. If they do not want to talk, let them know that is okay and that you are still there.
It can also be helpful to ask before offering advice. Sometimes a teenager needs someone to listen, rather than someone to solve the problem immediately. A simple "Would you like me to listen, or would you like some help working it out?" can make a big difference.
If they prefer to communicate through writing, texting or visual aids, embrace that. There is no reason why a teenager has to communicate in the same way as everyone else in the family.
Communication AidsTips for teachers and school staff
School can be a difficult place for teenagers who are anxious, autistic, have ADHD or are experiencing bullying. Having a trusted adult who understands their communication style can make a real difference.
It can help to have a regular opportunity for a check-in, without making the teenager feel singled out. A quiet conversation, a written question or a visual feelings scale can be a useful starting point.
Schools can also make communication aids available in a known place, so that teenagers can use them when they need support. A communication fan, a feelings chart or a simple way to request a break can give a young person a way to communicate without having to explain everything in the moment.
The most important thing is consistency. If a teenager knows who they can go to, what will happen when they ask for help and that their communication preferences will be respected, it can make school feel a little more manageable.
When a teenager needs more support
There are times when worries and anxiety become more than something that can be managed with a conversation and a few practical adjustments. If your teenager is struggling with sleep, school attendance, friendships or everyday activities, it is worth seeking additional support.
A GP, school pastoral team, SENCO or qualified mental health professional can help you work out what support is needed. An occupational therapist may also be able to help with sensory needs, communication and emotional regulation, particularly for autistic teenagers or those with ADHD.
At Learning SPACE, we understand that every child and teenager communicates differently. Our range of communication aids and sensory tools is designed to support emotional expression, regulation and communication at home, in school and in everyday life.
Explore our communication aids and sensory products today, or contact the Learning SPACE team if you would like help finding the right tools for your teenager.
